The Special Role of Stepparent
It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it
A solid relationship
Rick Martuscelli of Coaldale has been stepfather to 16-year-old Brittany for 11 years. They do homework together, go golfing (Brittany’s on the golf team at Marian Catholic School), and share a love of the Philadelphia Eagles.
On TV’s “The Brady Bunch,” everything was perfect—two families blending together to create one big, happy clan. True to life? Not exactly, says Denise Continenza, family living educator for Penn State Cooperative Extension of Lehigh County. “As every stepparent knows, this can be a challenging role,” she says. But in time, it is possible to build a strong, thriving family unit.
Many factors go into how a child will respond to a stepparent. “The child’s age makes a big difference. Whether a parent passed away or there was an amicable or tumultuous divorce also will impact how he feels,” says Diane Davison, licensed clinical social worker with Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network.
The keys to building healthy relationships? “Good communication among the stepparent, biological parents and child, and a commitment to making all decisions with the child’s best interest in mind.” Here are some strategies for successful stepparenting:
Be patient. A child may be grieving or reacting to the many changes in his life, such as a new home or school. “Don’t push him into the relationship,” Continenza says. “Instead, acknowledge his feelings by saying, ‘This must be a hard time for you.’” Don’t insist on being called Mom or Dad, which can be tough especially if the child’s biological parent passed away. Keep some consistency in your child’s life, such as regular sports and access to old friends. Stay positive—the first few months (or years) tend to be the most challenging.
Be on the same page. Parents and stepparents need to work out the rules in advance and support each other in enforcing them. “It works best when biological and stepparents put personal feelings aside and agree on discipline,” Davison says. Then, when you enforce your child’s bedtime, curfew or homework rules, he can’t say, “That’s not how it is at Dad’s house.”
Expect conflict. It’s only natural for children to lash out at what they believe to be the cause of the change in their lives—the stepparent. If your child says, “You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my mother,” be compassionately firm. Say, “You’re right, but I am an adult in this family who cares about you. That’s why you need to follow our rules.”
Don’t create friction. Children respond best when biological and stepparents maintain a civil relationship. “Don’t talk badly about your spouse’s ex in front of your stepchild,” Davison says. “And don’t ask your stepchild to tell you details about the other parent’s life.”
Remember your spouse. Stepparents often put all their efforts into developing a relationship with the stepchild and neglect their new partner. “Schedule some alone time,” Davison says. “And don’t be afraid to kiss or hold hands in front of the kids.” Though they may react in disgust, parental affection is a good thing for them to see.
Have family meetings. Children in blended families may not get along, or may resent their biological parent paying attention to another child. Family meetings are an opportunity for children to say what’s on their minds and for the rest of the family to respond. “It’s a great way for families to find solutions to problems,” Davison says.
Ask for help. If you feel you need help with your role as a parent, don’t be embarrassed to see a family therapist. “Seeking help is a sign of strength,” Continenza says. “I’ve seen many people gradually develop into excellent stepparents and make a big difference in a child’s life.”
Want to Know More about comforting children following a divorce? For a list of things to tell them and ways to make visitation time healthy, click here. See the links in the column on the right side for more information.
This page last updated 2/12/08 04:08 PM
